'Hi. I am Chief Smoking Hophead. I hail from Buffalo. You will be glad you met me. I know about these things. My secret message to you : Sleep only when not awake I am Chief Smoking Hophead.

 

Email : Send me a message
Snailmail: CSH, Newsmedianews, Ireland

I, Chief Smoking Hophead have agreed to give of my valuable time to help those of you seeking my assistance through Newsmedianews.
All that I ask in return is that you pass on to your good friends details of your own good fortune in coming across me.
I thank you.
Chief Smoking Hophead

Hi Chief,
I awoke early this morning with a headache and the realisation that I am pregnant. By and large and by itself, that might not be such a bad thing, but I am a wallflower and as you probably know wallflowers should not get headaches. What can I do?

Chief Smoking Hophead does not enter into correspondence with wallflowers. Ed.

 

Chief,
Last week my GP told me that I was suffering from crumbling rectum syndrome and if I did not attend to it it could lead to the development of the much more serious condition of flangehead. I am terrified at the prospect of going through months of embarrassment due to my crumbling rectum only to think of then going down with flangehead, What can I do?
Lester Figgott

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
Your GP is quite incorrect in telling you that you may develop flangehead. Flangehead is a complication of the much more serious condition of snapped anus. As you will appreciate from the name, snapped anus is a much more rapid predicament than crumbling rectum and it is this shock to the system that almost invariably results in flangehead. Just why the condition is called flangehead only bears a modest amount of thought, but the degree of flangehead severity is directly related to the number of bowel movements that the patient accumulates after suffering snapped anus. You should go back and show your doctor and tell him or her you have crumbling rectum and not snapped anus and advise your GP to examine it closely so that he or she can recognise the difference in future.

 

Hi Chief,
I can find absolutely nothing wrong with myself and would like your advice.
Ms Celeste Joy - Bradford

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
To begin you should quit lying to yourself. I am certain you pick your nose — everyone does even if they only do it in secret. It is not the doing of it that is wrong, it is the doing of it in secret. So that is two things that are wrong with you to begin. My advice in such circumstances is to make certain you clean beneath your fingernails.

 

Dear Chief,
I have Gaustentrauders nodular noodles which make it very hard for me to sit still for even the shortest space of time. I am also unable to wear miniskirts due to this although the noodles are quite high. My boyfriend suggested I wear Grade 4 sandpaper inside my knickers and this worked for a while but my husband got angry at continually finding the canary's cage missing its sandpaper.
Carol - Whitehaven

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
I am always surprised when people complain of Gaustentrauders nodular noodles - Indian people consider them a great delicacy. In truth there is very little you can do except wait for the time when they ripen and burst. This usually can take up to 25 years. It is advisable to stay indoors as the popping sound can be quite loud.

 

Dear Chief,
I am 73. After suffering with stomach pains for some time I eventually went to my doctor. After a brief examination the doctor asked if I was 'regular'.
When I said yes, bang on the button at 5.30 every morning and again at 6pm and not a minute before or after every day for the past 69 years and not missed a day as far as I know, the doctor, who has been my family doctor all of my life, told me to go away and not to come back to the surgery ever again. I am very worried.

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
I wish I could ease your obvious pain. It is probable that your doctor feels inconsolable sadness for you at the many things you have obviously missed in life and just cannot bear to face you again. You can try visitng the surgery as often as you can, daily if possible. and removing all of the toilet paper every time you visit. Exactly why you should do this, I just don't know. However, it has been known to make some doctors very paranoid and start to mistrust all of their patients.
After several months you should return to the surgery for an appointment with your doctor and accuse him or her of stealing the toilet paper from your own home to replace the paper that was being stolen from the surgery. Please let me know how your doctor reacts and I can then advise you if you would be better to change doctor.

 

Hi Chief.
I am beginning to suffer chronic anxiety attacks due to my constant anxiety over the possibility that I might be over anxious in my way of life. Lately they have become so severe that my parrot has become constipated and won't talk to me, adding to my anxieties. I have been unable to visit my doctor due to severe agoraphobia and I am petrified of staying in due to severe claustrophobia. I have not slept in 17 weeks as I have developed vertigo attacks and cannot go upstairs to my bed. Please help.

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
The first thing to do is put on very very dark sunglasses so you cannot see where you are. I have classified information about a special hashish and marijuana testing clinic located in an artificially created sub-oceanic setting where all volunteers also receive free tequila with their Sunday helpings (plural) of peyote. Send your parrot there for his constipation and when he returns speak to it about your anxiety attacks. You may be pleasantly surprised by its revelations.

 

Dear Chief,
I wonder if you can help. I am at my wits end. For many years I have been bothered by an itchiness in my right ear. It is very embarrassing at times. On a recent visit to my doctor, she told me that I have Athletes Foot in the ear. What can I do?
O. Fungauss

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
This is all too common an ailment with foot worshippers. Quite frankly, I suggest that you desist from wearing socks on your ears, or at least reduce the total number of foot fetishes that you include in your day. Regarding embarrassment, only others can make you feel embarrassed. Next time your ear itches, push a finger in it and pretend to flick something at them and they will leave you alone. Regarding what can you do, I have always found the employment exchange particularly unhelpful.

 

Hi Chief,
I have a budgerigar that all in my family are very fond of. However, whenever it eats it leans back and belches very loudly upsetting the cat, which has broken 17 bird cages so far because of this. We have tried nailing the cat's tail to the floor which didn't work and only left big holes in Tiddlers tail. Any suggestions?
Roger. 16 October 2000

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
This is a difficult one for you. You can try putting Tiddler in the bird cage and letting the bird use your room. Alternatively, change the bird seed.

Roger replies: 17 October 2000
Chief, I tried that. Now the budgie farts. What can I do?

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
This is a difficult one for you too. Mixing caustic soda granules in with the birdseed at a ratio of 10 to one has been known to work in cases like this.

 

Dear Chief,
This morning I woke up thinking it was yesterday. That meant that I missed an appointment I had set for the day after yesterday, which is today, because I thought today was yesterday. Can you advise me how to avoid this in future please. Thank you.

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
There are several solutions to this kind of difficulty, which is not as rare as you might think. One is that you can condition yourself to constantly live one day ahead of yourself. Another is either not to go to sleep or not to wake up, both are equally effective. Or you can simply refuse to set any appointments except for the day before. That way whenever you wake up thinking it is yesterday you will always be in time for your appointment.

 

Dear Chief,
I am constantly plagued by deja vu. I know that you will not be able to help me as I already know your answers before you provide them. What can I do?

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
Nothing. That way you will actually be doing something and even though you have already done it before you simply have to remember that you are not doing anything. Alternatively try my special Chief Smoking Hophead Amnesia Tablets, available at just $100 for an amount I have difficulty remembering, but you will already know.

 

Dear Chief,
Yesterday I went to see my doctor as I was not feeling well due to itchy feet. When I told him that my friends said I was mad to visit a doctor over such a thing, my doctor looked at me, sprang up from his chair and said “It's great, isn't it” and threw his arms about me and dragged me dancing around the surgery. I find myself puzzled by this and wonder what I should do.

Chief Smoking Hophead says:
I am puzzled as to why you should feel puzzled but I thank you for writing to me about something I have never before encountered. My advice would be for you to go and visit your doctor as often as you possibly can except for when you might be ill.

Please do not send animal problems to Chief Smoking Hophead.
If you have an animal problem please contact animal problem page. Thank you.

 

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