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Quotation of the Day

 

Why is this man in the White House? The majority of Americans did not vote for him. Why is he there? And I tell you this morning that he's in the White House because God put him there for a time such as this.
— Lt Gen William Boykin, speaking of G. W. Bush, New York Times, 17 October 2003

God gave the savior to the German people. We have faith, deep and unshakeable faith, that he was sent to us by God to save Germany.
— Hermann Goering, speaking of Hitler

Mine is the first generation able to contemplate the possibility that we may live our entire lives without going to war or sending our children to war.
— (Tony Blair, speech as newly elected Prime Minister, 1997.)

A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider god-fearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side.
— Aristotle

If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier - just so long
as I'm the dictator.
— George W. Bush, 18 December 2000

International law? I better call my lawyer; he didn't bring that up to me;
— George W. Bush, 12 December 2003

“Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.” — John Lennon

"I used to be a nerd but I'm all right now click click." — Theki Rashir

God gave us bodies that we may unashamedly enjoy, but, like the fools we are, we have chosen instead to abuse this precious gift in our illusions of human grandeur. — Theki Rashir

“Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know.”
— Donald Rumsfeld

“I once met a vet who told me he was a chef. When I said I'd forgotten how to cook more meals than most people of his age had ever even heard of, he shook my hand and gave me an avacado pear stuffed with a bagel omelette.” — anon

 

"Is life really all just about fighting off the competition?"
– unattributed, believed Ghenghis Khan II

 

Courtesy of B-

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. Talk about unfamiliar territory.

When all the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "June flower".

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.

Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska!
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year? A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic? A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,when customers got unruly, The bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England,pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In Scotland,a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English lan guage.

AND FINALLY
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow

UNATTRIBUTED

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me here.

"I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

I have learned there is little difference in wives, so you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years... then we met.

You know what Richard Harris had going for him? Warts. He threatened all producers with showing them and always got the parts. Monica Lewinsky

There can be no sadder waste than throwing money down the drain of your gullet. Carl Freud, British gourmet

Why do men masturbate? Because they can. Joan Crawford

It isn't wanking that makes you blind – it's feeling guilty about it. John Major

Only the rich can afford to be boring.

Art is not a study of positive reality, it is the seeking for ideal truth. George Sand

Since Blues ain't nothin' but the truth, it must be art. Long live the art! Wishing you the very best!
"Big Daddy" Randall Webster

True meditation only occurs horizontally after you surrender to vulnerability. Theki Rashir

I'm not a bad man, just misguided. Slobodam Milosevitch

Only drivers from Kerry open the car door to let the clutch out

Never entrust secrets to threadbare carpets.

  A friend whom I thought overly concerned about health issues once asked what I thought about colonic irrigation.
I said that packing my shit into a rucksack and taking off into the mountains for a few days worked just fine for me.

  Lateral thinking is just a vertical bind.

  Life without love is like a planet without air. 

 "I ain’t no troublemaker except in times of trouble." Samson

  Overheard: "I know where you are coming from."
"How can you know where I am coming from?"
"I’ve already been where you are going."
"How do you know where I’m going?"
"I’ve already been where you’re coming from." (anon)

Why worry? If you can change something, what's the point of worrying about it? And if you can't change something, then what's the point of worrying about it? Worry accomplishes nothing except more worry.
Sir Roger Bannister when asked if he was worried about breaking his own record for the mile.

 Those who spend their lives looking up the asshole of their own existence daily get closer to the reality of their own truth. (believed;:: Tomas Crapper, Bath Colloseum. 1921.)

  "You know, Tennyson once asked me what man’s greatest burden was. His question plagued me for years until I eventually discovered the answer.
"Hair. Without a doubt it is hair. Man is never free from it. It grows everywhere and is his most consuming demand. Even when you reach baldom and think you are free, it grows twice as thick and fast on every other place on your body to remind you of the absurdity of your existence."
Rudyard Kipling from conversations overheard in Stratford-Upon-Avon inns.

  The tragedy of the inevitability of life is the fragility of the compromise.
(Jeanne Du Luc)

  Those without respect for their peers have no respect for themselves. Plato, 869

  I could have learned more about life by staring up the asshole of an elephant than I did by walking around this city tonight. Anon

What is madness? To have erroneous perceptions and to reason correctly from them. Voltaire

Can't act, can't sing, slightly bald. Can dance a little. Anonymous Report on Fred Astaire's first screen test.

She sounded like the Book of Revelation read out over a railway address system by a headmistress of a certain age wearing calico knickers. Clive James of Margaret Thatcher

Remove your pants before resorting to violence. Yoko Ono

Would you allow your wife or your servant to read this book? Mervyn Griffith-Jones (1909-78) British lawyer, as counsel for the prosecution in the Lady Chatterley's Lover trial.

Working for Warner Bros is like fucking a porcupine; it's a hundred pricks against one. Wilson Mizner

and...

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"

*********

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

*********

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

*********

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

*********

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

*********

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

*********

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

*********

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

*********

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

*********

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

*********

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

*********

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

*********

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

********

A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

*********

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

*********

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

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Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

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If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

*********

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

*********

Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.

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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

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He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

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A procrastinator's work is never done.

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I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

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I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

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If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

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A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

*********

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

*********

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

*********

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

*********

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

*********

Save the whales. Collect the whole set

*********

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

 

and finally

Changing your Mouse Balls

This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees
in all seriousness...This memo is from an unnamed computer company.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of the memo was quite serious.

Subject: INSTRUCTIONS ON REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit).
Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.