NEWSMEDIANEWS has obtained these exclusive photographs taken at Ireland's top secret cloning factory in Clonakilty.
Newsmedianews was informed of the goings on at the factory by a disgruntled former employee who was sacked after successfully cloning the first Dorkflakea cross between a cornflake and a Dork
One of the most unusual creations to emerge from the factory is the Eletoise, stubbornly slow to get anywhere but with a memory second to none. There are only a handful of Eletoise in the world today. One is kept at a special reserve owned by www.braintree.tv
On the right is the Omana fully living female created without lower torso or legs but with five arms, designed especially as a bedside companion. Despite the incredulity of the creation, which requires no food or water, it has so far failed to sell a single model.
The DNA perfect replica of Van 'The Man' Morrison was thought at first to be a resounding success until it was discovered that none of the first 10,000 produced was able to remember a single line of any lyrics. Production was discontinued.
The Gazdog, pictured below left, was withdrawn after The Craggy Spinsters' Association complained that its perpetually frozen bog-eyed expression prevented anyone being able to form any sort of meaningful relationship with the creature. Production designers considered that the inclusion of a permanently damaged left foot would boost the Gazdog's appeal but failed to include facial muscle animation DNA in the first 50,000 prototypes.
Yet probably the most dismal failure to emerge from Clonakilty was the five feet tall Clonakilty Cockerel, which grew from chick to full size in just 17 minutes.
Bred for its meat, the Clonakilty Cockerel failed and was withdrawn when it was discovered that a stray gene belonging to Deep Throat star Faye Dunaway had become mingled with the laboratory DNA preparation. The cockerel developed an ever increasing insatiability for oral sex, a fact that was discovered after the laboratory complex night security watchdog complained that one of the cockerels had fastened itself to him and he had been unable to remove it for over 70 hours.
© Newsmedianews January 8, 2004
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