ANATOMY
OF THE DORK
(domiciled ordinarilly reclusive kitsch)
By Edmond Strotscopf
Always one step somewhere other than everyone else in the world, the Dork seldom rises until mid-afternoon, unless forewarned of a cheque in the post.
Razorblades, where they exist, last forever and the guts of the electric shaver resemble a miniature pine forest bed. The female Dork, when she finally chooses to wear stockings or tights, gives up after some thirty minutes of trying to pull them on, never quite finding out which hole leads exactly where. Washed and powdered pantyliners hang over the stove to dry.
The worst possible scenario is the mating of a male Dork and a female Dork, which more often than less results in sanitary inspectors being called in by neighbours and court orders to change the
bedsheets.
Dorks are rarely seen in public without their mobile phones, although they seldom ring more than twice each week. Every now and then when in public, which is itself a rare event, Dorks will nervously shuffle their phone about from pocket to pocket as if angry or simply puzzled about bringing it, before protectively clutching it once more.
The majority of Dorks have survival secrets unknown to the average inhabitant. Seemingly able to exist on next to nothing, they still stand upright in hurricane force wind. Their tone is often brisk, spattered with bouts of sputtered coughing interspersed with rapid subliminal swearing that is barely audible amidst their clear and concisely paced words of rational speech.
Though their words are understandable, the Dork is not. To the Dork, sadness is an empty tobacco pouch and life an empty bed, for even when they are both filled they are still empty.
The average Dork is dormant for a random period before blossoming into full Dorkdom, an event that is itself triggered by apparently random events. To the Dork, Saturdays are no different to Tuesdays and Friday is always rent day. On Sunday they wear self-sardonic grins at the thought of starving themselves of Sunday dinner, although by Monday they have invariably forgotten this.
The Dork is a constant plague of incorrections, from worrying about a too narrow lower jaw and the creaking below the ears to the seemingly endless discharge of nasal matter and the greater fear of looking into a mirror, the latter a constant trouble for male and female Dork alike.
The Dork knows no one understands and this is the point of adult Dorkdom, when the Dork sees all non-Dorks for the non-Dorks that they are. The mature Dork is a majestic sight to see, awesome in its very simplicity and downright honesty. Nonetheless these traits have in recent years led to the growing incidence of Dork stalking, as it has become known.
Dork stalking differs from Dork storking in that it is generally the male Dorks who get stalked and the female Dorks who get storked, although this is not a hard and fast rule.
Now a threatened species as a result, the Dork has developed a controllable form of magnetic schitzophrenia that allows it to permeate the non-Dorkness of non-Dorks to such an extent that the non-Dork temporarilly becomes Dorkified, although there is no evidence to suggest that this temporary ascension to Dorkdom is in any way related to the trigger event leading to full Dorkishness.
Tell your Dork story ! Interviews with God
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