The Gesthemane & Regional Ghost
14 April 27AD

VDF 371,785,402
as of January 2002
TIME Archive

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 By Johann Swaltz, Sternback Waldorff, Lola Brigitte & Losalamos Braverhmoss
with additional material by Pumpkin Rhino News Agency and Iguana News

One of the crowds gathered at a Jesus meeting. Five thousand people were given free food at this particular meeting. note the gerbil in the foreground and the background sky laser video display of the world after a massive Canary Isle volcanic eruption changed the shape of the continents

A chance remark by the Palestinian son of an unemployed carpenter has triggered one of the most remarkable cult followings in history.

The Palestinian, known as Jesus of Nazareth, had been relaxing on a deckchair on a beach at The Dead Sea examining an analysis of the Koran. The Ghost Extra has learned that he was taking a break from a walking exploration of Palestine.

Beach users said Jesus suddenly stood up and hurled the scrolls into the Dead Sea.

"He looked really angry and put his hands on his hips and just kept saying 'Well I'll be the son of God'", one eyewitness told the Ghost.

The eyewitness said that a small crowd had gathered around the man who just kept saying the phrase, pausing every now and then before repeating it.

A local Dead Sea fisherman named John, who had recently been released from the Jericho Home for the Mentally Unbalanced, ran up the beach to Jesus and collapsed before him, where he then began kissing his feet and muttering Lord, Lord, Lord, said the eyewitness.

"Jesus told him to go away and tell someone else about it," continued the eyewitness.

John ran away but returned a few minutes later, bringing 11 other people with him, the eyewitness said. One of the 11 was Judas Iscariot, who a few months before had been acquitted of selling his own mother to an embalming house research unit. The trial, held in the High Court in Jerusalem, grabbed world headlines and was featured in the Ghost throughout its duration.

Jesus strode away from the beach followed by the 12 men but kept pausing and throwing his hands in the air and repeating "Well I'll be the son of God".

"He was laughing quite a lot too," said the eyewitness.

Another of the 12 who followed Jesus from the beach was Mark Anthony, who had been employed as a spindoctor by the Mayor of Damascus during his election campaign.

The Ghost has been told that Mark Anthony secretly wrote press releases and sent them out in advance to towns he knew Jesus intended to visit during his walking tour of Palestine. The press releases related to stories Jesus was reported as telling to the 12 followers, who stayed with him everywhere he went. Most of the stories are believed to be works of fiction, except for one relating to a lame man whom Jesus helped to walk.

The man, identified as a perpetual scrounger by the nation's welfare department, had been lying on a straw mat in an attempt at persuading health officials that he was lame when Jesus accidentally tripped over him.

Jesus was reported by the local press as telling the man to "get up and clear off out of my way you bloody stupid fool. What are you lying in the middle of the road for, you idiot.". Jesus then threw his arms up and said again "Well I'll be the son of God".

The man hurriedly got up and left, leaving behind his straw mat. He later told a Ghost reporter he left because he was scared of the stranger. "I thought the guy was a nutter and he had this gang with him. I was scared they were going to set upon me," he said.

The man added he had himself later claimed Jesus had cured him of being lame as he became worried that the welfare department had rumbled his plan to make a false claim for disability welfare payments.

Following on from the incident, Jesus began attracting huge crowds wherever he went.

Investigations conducted by the Ghost reveal that Jesus was born in a barn at The Star Inn at Bethlehem, which his father Joseph had been renovating in return for being allowed to bunk there with his wife, Mary, who failed to realise that she was pregnant at the time.

The owner of the barn had ordered them out after the birth of Jesus, feeling it was not fitting accommodation for a child and Joseph had contacted three charities for help. Representatives of the charities, which do not give away money, arrived at The Star with gifts for the family, thinking they could sell them to acquire the rent for a place to live.

At the last mass gathering, on the slopes of a mountain, John had arranged for a local fish and chip shop to secretly fill a basket with fish. It was later reported that over 5,000 people had received free fish and chips.

The owner of the shop told the Ghost he never received payment for the takeaway.

Go Back   EXCLUSIVE Moses speaks with God

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