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ISCARIOT'S LAWYERS TAKE ON THE GHOST

The Gesthamane & Regional Ghost has been served with a writ of summons in connection with its coverage of the Jesus of Nazareth story.

Lawyers claiming to act on behalf of the descendants of Judas Iscariot allege the story to be factually inaccurate and unfair in its reporting of Iscariot's past deeds; namely in that he was convicted of selling his own mother to an embalming house. Iscariot's lawyers argue that as the conviction had no relevance to the story of Jesus Christ, the reference to it was malicious towards Judas Iscariot.
Precedings have been delayed due to the loss of papers during the theft of Knoxborough Hall.

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Moses and the Ten Commandments

"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know; remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those 'ten things' you sent
me?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are
important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well - sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of
course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you
didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I
did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses
'shalt not'? May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and
recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or
two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act like I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was
scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that
stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a
computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he
might have sent me one of those - er - plagues, and that's the reason I lost
those ten things, do you?"
"They are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go
back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and
reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who
knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the
way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'
because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if
you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir? I bet some woman
told him to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of
the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be
working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou
shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone
tablets."

close Moses

JOBLESS CARPENTER'S SON GAINS GLOBAL FAME
CHANCE REMARK SPARKS CULT FOLLOWING
By Johann Swaltz, Sternback Waldorff, Lola Brigitte & Losalamos Braverhmoss
with additional material by Pumpkin Rhino News Agency and Iguana News

One of the crowds gathered at a Jesus meeting. Five thousand people were given free food at this particular meeting. note the gerbil in the foreground and the background sky laser video display of the world after a massive Canary Isle volcanic eruption changed the shape of the continents

A chance remark by the Palestinian son of an unemployed carpenter has triggered one of the most remarkable cult followings in history.

The Palestinian, known as Jesus of Nazareth, had been relaxing on a deckchair on a beach at The Dead Sea examining an analysis of the Koran. The Ghost Extra has learned that he was taking a break from a walking exploration of Palestine.

Beach users said Jesus suddenly stood up and hurled the scrolls into the Dead Sea.

"He looked really angry and put his hands on his hips and just kept saying 'Well I'll be the son of God'", one eyewitness told the Ghost.

The eyewitness said that a small crowd had gathered around the man who just kept saying the phrase, pausing every now and then before repeating it.

A local Dead Sea fisherman named John, who had recently been released from the Jericho Home for the Mentally Unbalanced, ran up the beach to Jesus and collapsed before him, where he then began kissing his feet and muttering Lord, Lord, Lord, said the eyewitness.

"Jesus told him to go away and tell someone else about it," continued the eyewitness.

John ran away but returned a few minutes later, bringing 11 other people with him, the eyewitness said. One of the 11 was Judas Iscariot, who a few months before had been acquitted of selling his own mother to an embalming house research unit. The trial, held in the High Court in Jerusalem, grabbed world headlines and was featured in the Ghost throughout its duration.

Jesus strode away from the beach followed by the 12 men but kept pausing and throwing his hands in the air and repeating "Well I'll be the son of God".

"He was laughing quite a lot too," said the eyewitness.

Another of the 12 who followed Jesus from the beach was Mark Anthony, who had been employed as a spindoctor by the Mayor of Damascus during his election campaign.

The Ghost has been told that Mark Anthony secretly wrote press releases and sent them out in advance to towns he knew Jesus intended to visit during his walking tour of Palestine. The press releases related to stories Jesus was reported as telling to the 12 followers, who stayed with him everywhere he went. Most of the stories are believed to be works of fiction, except for one relating to a lame man whom Jesus helped to walk.

The man, identified as a perpetual scrounger by the nation's welfare department, had been lying on a straw mat in an attempt at persuading health officials that he was lame when Jesus accidentally tripped over him.

Jesus was reported by the local press as telling the man to "get up and clear off out of my way you bloody stupid fool. What are you lying in the middle of the road for, you idiot.". Jesus then threw his arms up and said again "Well I'll be the son of God".

The man hurriedly got up and left, leaving behind his straw mat. He later told a Ghost reporter he left because he was scared of the stranger. "I thought the guy was a nutter and he had this gang with him. I was scared they were going to set upon me," he said.

The man added he had himself later claimed Jesus had cured him of being lame as he became worried that the welfare department had rumbled his plan to make a false claim for disability welfare payments.

Following on from the incident, Jesus began attracting huge crowds wherever he went.

Investigations conducted by the Ghost reveal that Jesus was born in a barn at The Star Inn at Bethlehem, which his father Joseph had been renovating in return for being allowed to bunk there with his wife, Mary, who failed to realise that she was pregnant at the time.

The owner of the barn had ordered them out after the birth of Jesus, feeling it was not fitting accommodation for a child and Joseph had contacted three charities for help. Representatives of the charities, which do not give away money, arrived at The Star with gifts for the family, thinking they could sell them to acquire the rent for a place to live.

At the last mass gathering, on the slopes of a mountain, John had arranged for a local fish and chip shop to secretly fill a basket with fish. It was later reported that over 5,000 people had received free fish and chips.

The owner of the shop told the Ghost he never received payment for the takeaway.

Go Back | EXCLUSIVE Moses speaks with God

The Gesthemane & Regional Ghost
EXTRA
14 April 27AD

JOBLESS CARPENTER'S SON GAINS GLOBAL FAME
CHANCE REMARK SPARKS CULT FOLLOWING
By Johann Swaltz, Sternback Waldorff, Lola Brigitte & Losalamos Braverhmoss
with additional material by Pumpkin Rhino News Agency and Iguana News

The Gesthemane & Regional Ghost EXTRA 14 April 27AD

JOBLESS CARPENTER'S SON GAINS GLOBAL FAME CHANCE REMARK SPARKS CULT FOLLOWING By Johann Swaltz, Sternback Waldorff, Lola Brigitte & Losalamos Braverhmoss with additional material by Pumpkin Rhino News Agency and Iguana News

The Gesthemane & Regional Ghost
EXTRA
14 April 27AD

JOBLESS CARPENTER'S SON GAINS GLOBAL FAME
CHANCE REMARK SPARKS CULT FOLLOWING
By Johann Swaltz, Sternback Waldorff, Lola Brigitte & Losalamos Braverhmoss
with additional material by Pumpkin Rhino News Agency and Iguana News