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Oldest intelligent homo sapien remains found in Ireland
Kerry farmer apologises for horrific ‘mix-up’
Elmo Maheeny has been replaced by Rumpold Slitskin
What a Load of Trash—self-generating trash research report
Our world today
Of Cannabis Freedom and Dictators
Börhd Hooligan goes ballistic
Reporters Without Borders - Freedom of Information
Crippling the Killing Machine —Hermit Empeysex on war
Contribute news direct to this website
Poll results say 'No-DSS' advertising 'unlawful and discriminatory'
Newsmedianews features index
The basement Years mp3 collection
A Question of Education? Perhaps—but whose? - Hermit Empeysex reports
An examination of Britain's ''improved' state welfare system
Lord Knoxborough still missing
Vote on a range of current and other issues
An encounter with the UK D-Notice-archived yarn
News from the European Union
Newsmedianews forum
Editorial
Our Muppet Democracies - Hermit Empeysex
Exclusive - the Toise Collection

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SPECIAL
Oldest known intelligent homo sapien remains found in Ireland
Kerry farmer apologises for ‘horrific’ mix-up
Twins to clash for World Arguing Championship title
Monster Turd Found Floating Down River Shannon
What A Load of Trash
Million-year-old igloo found beneath Antartica ice
Snotfish secret found
UK deploys Piragoocuda to tackle Somali piracy
UK starts shooting horses for food during blizzard
Ireland to introduce new camper law
Did Flight 77 contain Grollybelium?
Was filling station built on ancient Leprechaun cemetry?
Limerick to get 200ft high 10-lane flyover
Guinness redevelops the widget at two-for-one
Meteorite falls in Limerick
Croc found sleeping in Limerick sewage development
€348 million for Limerick water schemes
Bermuda Triangle mystery unveiled
Royal Family planned to elope with treasures
New international health crisis set to explode
Limerick man first victim of brutunschweier clogomitis beetle
Man boards jet with Poseidon missile
Al Wollapong tape
Ireland's secret cloning factory uncovered
Crop circle secret revealed
Ireland’s grollybelium stealth tank mystery
Ireland to tax tax
remains of 300-year-old Yeti unearthed in Ireland
Protected maggot colony quits airport runway
Rare Tasmanian flea discovered in Ireland's Kerry
Gorilla terrifies store security guard

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Oldest known intelligent homo sapien remains found in Ireland
September 2017
The well preserved remains of what has been described as a human of advanced intelligence have been discovered at a secret archaeological dig in Sligo.

Experts at the dig site estimate the skeletal remains to be at least 400,000 years old, making the discovery the oldest known remains of a homo sapien.

Bernard Snodmore, who is leading the dig, said that the precise and careful placing of the body in what had obviously been a burial, together with a carefully placed array of ornaments and trinkets found nearby, indicated that the remains were those of a member of a socially integrated family of highly advanced intelligence.

“It is much too early to say much more at this stage,” said Mr Snodmore.

“However,” he added, “the finding does indicate that intelligent humans have lived in Ireland, although a long long time ago.”

Kerry farmer apologises for ‘horrific’ mix-up
March 2016
A distraught Kerry farmer has issued a public apology after milk produced at his new dairy farm turned out to be bull sperm.

Former civic architect Boris McCloggerhollen became a multi-millionaire through the success of McCloggerhollen CAB–a business he founded in 1994–which raked in major projects from around the world. In 2015 he disbanded the business and decided to venture into dairy farming as a new career, ploughing several million of his cash into building a hi-tech, state-of-the-art dairy farm.

The farm boasted fully automated milking parlours and had its own pasteurising and bottling plants. The bottled milk, sold under the name of Cream of Kerry, was collected daily and distributed to shops and supermarkets across Ireland.

“I did personally try several cups of tea with the milk and though it did taste somewhat different, I just thought that my brand of milk gave the tea a little extra kick, so I didn’t really think any more about it,” said Mr McCloggerhollen.

The mix-up was explained by his daughter Penelope, who said that one day she had mistakenly let the cows and bulls out into the incorrect day pastures.

Normally cows and bulls go into their own pastures. The pasture used by the cows has an electronic gate controlled by the automated milking parlours. Opening at specific times, the cows then walk through the gate and into the milking parlour, where the milking machines are attached by robots as part of the automated process.

On the occasion things went horribly wrong, the bulls were in the cows’ pasture and walked through to the milking parlour.

“They probably though they were just going back to their own sheds,” said Penelope.

Instead the robots had fastened the milking machines to the bulls.

The contaminated ‘milk’ was reported by a cafe owner in Conakilty after a 97-year-old woman, who had been a daily customer at the cafe for many years, one day took a sip from her cup of tea and spat it out all the way across the cafe, splashing other customers.

“We’d normally bar anyone who did that sort of thing,” said cafe owner Grisbong McKenna. “But she’s a lovely old dear and has never done anything like that before, so I had the cup of tea analysed in case somehow something had wrongly got into it. When the results came back, we knew something certainly had and it was nothing to do with us. I gave the old dear a replacement cup of tea.”

Twins to clash for World Arguing Championship title
November 2013
Padrovian twins Gonzo and Ivan Bedrowski are usually the best of pals but in one month they will square up against each other at the World Arguing Championship in Gdansk.

« Gonzo ‹ —————V————— › Ivan »

The Spodnik-born twins destroyed all opposition from the remaining international semi-finalists to each clearly secure places in the grand final by huge margins.

The final consists of 36 frames of arguments and the first to reach 19 winning frames takes the prestigious title and a cheque for €400,500. In the event of a draw, a tie-break of three frames is argued out. Points are awarded for the inception of an argument that draws the opponent in and also for responses to each argument.

Silence in response to a proposed argument is considered a foul, but contestants can inject counter argument proposals as an argument in itself.

Swedish contest judge Monike Zumerfelt said she had no idea what sort of arguments the twins could possibly throw at each other that would result in spontaneous, combustive argument.

“They have always been known to be such good friends,” she said.

Gonzo and Ivan, pictured above relaxing on the Trans-Siberian Railway, were said by TSR staff to be “in good spirits”. When asked how such good friends could possibly get themselves into any argument, Gonzo said: “I smoke and Ivan doesn’t and that’s a good starting point.”

Ivan’s response? “Gonzo smokes and I don’t but that has nothing to do with it really.”

Monster Turd Found Floating Down River Shannon
September 2013
Gardai say that a monster human turd found floating down the River Shannon near Limerick may have found its way into the water after a fisherman was caught short in his boat.

A whopping 37 inches in length and weighing in at an impossible 3.21Kg, the alarm was raised when an elderly woman walking her dog on the banks of the river saw youngsters throwing stones at the object as it bobbed in the water. "I thought it was a snake they were throwing at so I called the gardai," she told Newsmedianews.

Believing they were dealing with a snake, the gardai dispatched a team from the technical unit to deal with the matter.

It was only after they had snared the object that they realised it was not a snake.

A spokesperson for Limerick garda declined to say what had become of the object.

What A Load of Trash
July 2013
Irish researchers say that they are now close to opening the door to the transition from what was just the theoretical possibility of self-generating trash to its actual practicality and commercial production.

The concept of self-generating trash was spawned after the collapse of the celtic tiger and the subsequent shrinkage of the Irish economy. People were becoming more and more less able to buy things, and reduced buying meant less got thrown away, putting the Irish trash collection and disposal industry at increasing risk of disappearing.

Following a bright remark by a trash collection company employee which is far too laboriously tedious to go into in any detail, attention became focused on the possibility of generating self-generating trash as a means of saving the garbage collection and disposal industry.

Little detail has so far been released regarding the intricacies of the process but a spokesperson from the Department of the Environment said that it would mean that the less that was bought, the more would actually be thrown away in garbage produced as a result of a purchase.

Newsmedianews understands that funding for the research has been siphoned from the plastic bag tax.

Million-year-old igloo found beneath Antartica ice
June 2013
A huge igloo thought to be over a million years old has been discovered buried beneath the ice at Antartica. Details of the extraordinary find are sketchy and are still coming in.

The discovery was made by a UK documentary film crew after one of the snowcats they had been travelling across Antartica in suddenly disappeared into a large, hidden fissure in the ice. The remainder of the crew were able to winch the two men and one woman in the stricken vehicle back to the surface but were unable to recover the snowcat from the 200ft deep crevasse. None of the crew suffered any injury.

When the crew went down into the crevasse to see if recovery of the snowcat might be possible, they found and followed a long ice tunnel carved out of the ice long ago by a buried river.

Film crew expedition leader Mike Rampton said: "About 600 yards into the tunnel we came across what seemed to be the opening to what we then though was a smaller ice cave. It led to the entrance to the buried igloo."

He said the igloo is about 100 metres in diameter and is almost 160ft to the top at the highest point. "The blocks were positioned and cut with almost assymetric mathematical proficiency," said Mr Rampton, who also said that nothing else was found within the igloo. "It was almost as if no-one had ever been inside,'" he said.

Although it is estimated by scientists that ice has covered Antartica for only the past 12,000 years, initial tests on the ice of the igloo indicate it is at least one million years old.

"So far no-one has come up with any explanation as to how a structure made of ice that old could be buried under ice only 12,000 or so years old," said Mr Rampton.

The exact location of the find is being kept a closely guarded secret until all investigations can be completed, but it can be revealed that the discovery was made close to the centre of Antartica.

"Of course, everyone is hugely excited by this find," said Mr Rampton.

The crew had been working on a documentary meant to show the extreme harsh conditions of Antartica but dropped their original plan and instead began making a documentary about the discovery.

The location of the igloo falls across two sections of land claimed by the UK and by Japan. It is understood that the Japanese are interested in opening the site as a tourist attraction and are working on how to accomplish such a possibility.

Meanwhile it is also understood that the British are investigating ways to extract the igloo in its entirety and transport it to a specially prepared frozen storage area that would be constructed next to the British Museum, where the igloo would then go on display to the public.

Snotfish secret found
Thu, 25 October, 2012
Nearly seven centuries after they were first discovered in a lake in Wales, scientists claim to have cracked the secret of the snotfish.

The existence of the snotfish first came to light after fisherman Taffy Owens caught one at Lake Vrynwy. Frightened that he might be wrongly labelled as a black magician by the many religious zealots of the time, Taffy was about to put the 17lb snotfish back into the lake when he was knocked unconscious from behind.

His assailant, believed to have been a hungry thief, was killed when he slipped on wet ground and hit his head on a sharp rock. The snotfish, which was still attached to Mr Owens' fishing hook, could not escape and was discovered a short time later, along with the unconscious Mr Owens and the dead man, by a passing group of monks.

Immediately recognising that they were looking at a previously unknown specimen of fish, the monks documented and recorded the discovery of the species. But they, and scientists since, remained baffled by one peculiarity of the snotfish.

Unlike any other known species of fish, the snotfish has two nostrils above its very small mouth. In later years on observing the fish in the lake, scientists noted that every snotfish continuously had two long streams of mucous streaming out from each nostril along the sides of the fish's length.

"It was a mystery. Nobody could understand why the water simply didn't just wash the stuff away," a snotfish expert said. "No matter how fast the snotfish swam the stuff just stayed there like it was glued in place."

Now scientists at the Snotfish Research Establishment at Rhyll say they have unlocked the secret.

Leading the research, Professor Blodwyn Abbergonwy said: "We were always looking in the wrong direction by examining the trails after they had been removed from the snotfish. That continually led up a blind path."

He explained that once the mucous had been separated from the fish, the cells underwent a transformation.

"In short," said Prof Abbergonwy, "the mucous was alive, a living extension of the snotfish. Once it was detached from the fish, not only did the cells die, but they and the DNA underwent an unusual transformation that made it impossible to detect that the mucous was once a living organism, part of the snotfish.

"We believe that it might act in the same way as a cat's whiskers, but we are now working on that aspect of things," said the Professor.

UK deploys Piragoocuda to tackle Somali piracy
Thursday, 4 June, 2009
Britain is to send in several shoals of flying Piragoocuda fish to tackle piracy in and around Somali waters. The Piragoocuda is a savage cross breed of piranha, barracuda, goonch and flying fish. It can leap out of the water and soar up to 100 metres in height and cruise for up to two miles before needing to return to the water. It can also survive out of water on land for up to three days, moving on sturdy lower fins that have been developed to also serve as legs.

Professor Snong Yibtong, who headed the team that developed the Piragoocuda, said that one fish could strip a human being to a skeleton in less than three minutes.

“A particularly agonising death,” said Mr Yibtong, who has also worked on defences intended to counteract the Ranns’ invasion.

Although much of the details remain secret, it is thought that up to 1,000 Piragoocudas will be deployed in waters where piracy has been a threat to international shipping. The fish are also capable of chewing through ships' hulls to get into the vessels. They have been genetically modified to respond to command radio signals.

UK starts shooting horses for food during blizzard
Tuesday, 3 February, 2009
Special armed units have been dispatched to shoot horses in the UK to bolster the country’s emergency food stocks as the country is paralysed by one of the severest blizzards in decades.

The units, drawn mostly from army reserve volunteers, were given orders on Monday to begin shooting horses across the worst affected parts of the country. Up to 10,000 horses could be slaughtered for food.

A spokesman for the armed units said other special teams would distribute the horsemeat to the elderly living at home and in care centres.

Asked for his own thoughts of eating horsemeat, the spokesman, who asked not to be named said: “I’m quite partial to it myself. Its a distinctive flavour and, well, to be honest, it is not every day that you get to be able to indulge in eating horsemeat.

“Its very wholesome and the flavour is brought out exceptionally well with the right kinds of mustard.” He denied that his organisation had secretly sold surplus horsemeat to food processing plants.

Only in Ireland
Ireland to introduce new camper law
Wed, 5 March, 2008
Drivers in Ireland who wish to own motor homes will soon have to buy them before reaching the age of 50. The new law will mean drivers over 50 but under 60 will have to take a special motor homes road test before they will be able to get motor tax or insurance for their motor homes, both requirements for taking a vehicle onto the roads.

The new law will also make it illegal for all motor home drivers over 60 to drive their vehicle on any road in Ireland as their age will make them ineligible for motor tax or insurance for their motor home.

The new law is currently being drafted by the Irish government’s transport and customs departments and is expected to become operational by mid 2010.

A spokesman for the Transport Department, who wished not to be named, said Ireland would be pushing to make the law applicable EU wide.

“Using scientific research, we have decided that drivers of motor homes who are beyond the age of 50 have surpassed their best drive-by date for such vehicles. We decided to add the special test as an interim measure as we are aware that the sheer numbers of caravans and mobile homes on the road means that some drivers who set off on holiday just before their fiftieth birthdays might not reach their destination until several years later,” said the spokesman.

“We are making it illegal for drivers over 60 to drive motor homes as we consider such people are incapable of properly driving a motor home,” he said. The spokesman, who gave his age as 64, admitted that he owned ‘more than one’ motor home and regularly drove about Ireland.

The new law will also include a clause making it illegal for people who are on the road with their mobile homes to place their mobile home as a permanent residence anywhere. The spokesman explained that this was to prevent people taking up residence in their mobile homes on camp sites or elsewhere if they have realised that they would be unable to drive the mobile home all the way home again as they would pass the age of 60 whilst traveling.

Did Flight 77 or 73 contain Grollybelium?
Monday, 29 May, 2006
Following the latest release by the Pentagon in May 2006 of video footage which the US Defence Department states shows Flight 77 striking the Pentagon on 11 September 2001, it must be asked if Flight 77 contained grollybelium or a similar stealth element or new technology material. Similarly, the crash in Pennsylvania of flight 73 must pose identical questions, as both aircraft seemingly vanished into thin air.

All video footage taken immediately after the explosion at the Pentagon on 9/11 fails to show any readily identifiable wreckage of a 100-ton Boeing 757 having impacted into the building other than two 16ft diameter holes in the reinforced superstructure of the building, one on the outer shell and another on an inner shell, more compatible with a Tomahawk cruise missile strike.

Given that this particular section of the building had been newly reinforced, the relatively small entry holes might be explainable. However, if the superstructure had been reinforced as a defence against such attacks of 9/11, it would perhaps also be reasonable to assume that the exterior of the building would resemble a scrapyard of mangled metal and broken aircraft parts. This however was clearly not the case as evinced by the many different minutes of video footage taken on the day.

This must present questions relating to how so much material could simply and mysteriously not be present, unless the aircraft had been either carrying grollybelium or was constructed of the stealth element.

Was filling station built on ancient Leprechaun cemetry?
August 5, 2004
A Celtic historian believes that a filling station in Limerick City was built over the remains of an ancient leprechaun burial plot that dates back several thousands of years BC.

Very little factual evidence remains of Ireland’s ancient race of leprechauns other than what has been handed down through the centuries via folk lore, but it is generally believed that the survivors of the race still inhabit caves and tunnels dug deep beneath the bottom of Lough Derg in County Clare.

Suspicions that the garage, at the start of Clare Street in Limerick City, was built on a former leprechaun burial plot were roused by the odd behaviour of staff and visitors at the filling station, which also contains a general store.

Groltchmerg O'Bunion, one of the few professors alive today to hold a doctorate in leprechaunology, said that at first it had been thought that the garage was simply built on a poor intersection of ley lines.

“On closer examination, that didn't hold up," said Professor O'Bunion. “The nearest ley line intersection of any descripton is about eight miles away and we know that the effects of such intersections are extremely localised.”

Investigations were started when reports began to come in of the somnambulent attitude of staff at the station, who constantly stood or sat around for hours on end as if in a daydream or daze.

“We had one person go into the filling station general store and deliberately knock over a complete display stand of foodstuffs. The people working in the place totally ignored it all and just kept on reading their books and magazines. It was only when the person stood at the serving counter for over 20 minutes that the attendant noticed there was a customer,” said Professor O'Bunion.

He said that another clue was the spotless condition of the station’s public toilet, which was generally always kept locked with the key only available on request.

”It is well known that leprechauns were extremely hygenic in their ways and it would irritate them no end to have a dirty lavatory anywhere near their territories," said the professor.

“Even customers going into the service station suddenly become glum and disoriented when they enter the place. One man who couldn't stop laughing at a joke he heard in a pub was walking past the filling station in fits of giggles but when he went into the shop section for a packet of cigarettes he suddenly became absolutely silent and morose and started fidgeting and shuffling about with a vacant expression.

“This all ties in very closely with the leprechaun theorem,” added the professor.

Work is due to begin on excavations on the forecourt to determine if the site was actually a leprechaun burial ground.

“If there are any traces, they would be quite deep, probably one or two hundred feet down. Of course, if we do discover traces, then obviously the filling station will have to be demolished and the area sealed off to any future development other than open space or city parkland," said Professor O'Bunion.

Limerick to get 200ft high 10-lane flyover
Up to 6,000 families will be relocated during construction
March 27, 2004

A 10-lane flyover is to straggle 200 feet above Limerick city as part of a €30 billion traffic calming scheme aimed at relieving the traffic clogged city. But the scheme will mean rehousing up to 6,000 local families as their existing homes are demolished to make way for the flyover supports.

A cutaway showing the road (dotted lines) on top of the revolutionay support pillar with its flexible retaining claws

The prefabricated road sections will rest on specially designed reinforced flexible claws, minimising visual impact whilst remaining capable of withstanding severe weather conditions.
Built on revolutionary reinforced 'crossed-tee' steel supporting single pillar stanchions, the five mile-long flyover will be pieced together using sixty 150-yard long prefabricated steel asphalted road sections that will each be joined together on the crossed-tee supports.

Work is due to start in May 2006 and the ambitious project is scheduled for completion by the end of 2006. But the new flyover will not be a smooth ride for its developers.

LIMPONG, Limerick People Opposed to New Garbage, said they would be fighting the development "every inch of the way" and were already recruiting resident group activists along the route of the flyover.

"We also already have at least 10,000 new age travellers and their families who have agreed to come and camp along the proposed course of the flyover and who will refuse to move," a LIMPONG spokesman told Newsmedianews.

But a spokesman for the developers, Matt Hinchey of UpAndOver and Friends, said that the company had "plenty of experience in dealing with protesters" and had a number of "counter-measures" available to them.

"I am not at liberty to go into exact detail as to what those may be," eluded the spokesman.

However it is understood from sources within the company that at least one of the counter measures involves the releasing of thousands of flea-infested hedgehogs—a protected species—into areas occupied by protesters.
Stay tuned for further breaking news on this item

Guinness redevelops the widget at two-for-one
March 17, 2004
If you never wondered what the widget was, its the round plastic ball, a little smaller than golf-ball size, inside cans of Guinness stout.

When the can is popped open, the release of pressure causes the widget to rise and release a steady stream of compressed gas into the stout, allowing it to be poured with an almost perfect head if poured correctly into the glass at the correct angle. The result is a pint almost as good, sometimes better than what you might get at the pub, all considered.

The device has since been imitated by other breweries. But now Guinness has taken the widget one stage further.

“We knew we were one step ahead of the competition all along. Now we are two steps ahead,” said a spokesman for the brewery.

Simply filling the empty can with tap water and leaving it in the refrigerator for about 20 minutes will result in another pint forming inside the can, ready to be poured and enjoyed.

“It only works if the widget is left in the can,” the brewery spokesman stressed.

The process has been made possible by developments in high definition liquid compression techniques.

The redeveloped widget will be included in all cans from the start of April 2004 and is sure to prove a big hit with Ireland's home-bound pub-goers following the ban on smoking in pubs that came into effect on Monday, 29 March.

Governor Arnie denies beach bully rumour
October 8, 2003
Governor of California Arnold Schwartzenegger has denied that he took up body building after a skinny four foot tall schoolboy kicked sand over him as he lay on the snow covered beach of a glacial lake in Austria, and that he fled to the USA to escape the beach bully.

“There is absolutely no truth to that story at all,” he told Newsmedianews. He said he had been fighting off the rumour for many years in his home country before leaving for the USA.

Stunned by his reaction to our question, we then explained that the Newsmedianews editor had simply called with a joke prior to congratulating him on his success at becoming Governor.

However, the actor turned politician snapped off his reply almost before the question was asked and gave no chance for the editor to congratulate him before saying he was a busy man.

“When I told him that I had never heard any rumours relating to a bully at all and had simply made the comment up out of my head as a joke, Mr Schwartzenegger just repeated his denial, said ‘goodbye’ and hung up,” said the editor.

British Royal Family planned to elope with treasures
June 19, 2003
A special forces unit from the middle east said it has uncovered evidence that the British royal family was planning to elope from England taking with them millions of pounds worth of national treasures plus a staggering cash haul.

The special forces unit said it also knew that a vast quantity of the royal family’s inherited wealth had been converted into euros.

“We are talking here of booty worth millions and millions that has been syphoned from the public’s pockets down the centuries," said a spokesman for the speclal forces unit.

It is believed that the royals planned to hijack their own yacht after dumping the crew overboard. Full details of the plan have not yet been revealed by the special unit, which is understood to have spies throughout all of the royal family’s official and private residences.

A spokeswoman for Buckingham Palace declined to comment on the issue when contacted by Newsmedianews other than to say: "Balderdash".

Limerick man first known victim of brutunschweier clogomitis
June 9, 2003
A man in Limerick, Ireland has become the first known victim of the anticoagulant brutunschweier clogomitis beetle after a clutch of the disease-riddled laboratory insects escaped from a UK research centre last month.

The man had been drinking in a city centre bar just after midday on Monday when one of the brutunschweier clogomitis beetles emerged from a tiny hole in his neck.

Brutunschweier clogomitis deliberately lay their eggs in and across the whole of the human food chain. The eggs are almost impossible to detect. Incubation takes just two weeks. The beetle, just tiny at this stage, then tunnels its way out of the human body, leaving behind a trail of powerful anticoagulant agents that not only prevent the tunnel from closing up but continue to dissolve surrounding tissue, considerably enlarging the tunnel.

It is understood that after the beetle emerged the Limerick victim’s carotid artery burst, spraying a powerful jet of blood across the bar and splashing against the bartender and the walls of the room.

A witness said that the bartender just shook his head in a resigned way and said to the man, who was then writhing about on the floor: “You’re barred. We don't allow that sort of behaviour in pubs in this city.” He then called security to escort the man from the premises.

The blood soaked victim was thrown from the city centre bar out into the street and was only discovered when an irate shopper telephoned the garda to complain after slipping on the blood and stumbling over the man’s body.

The victim has not yet been named but is understood to be in his late 30s. He is not believed to come from Limerick.

An unknown number of the disease riddled beetles escaped from the research centre. They are all infected with varieties of the world's most deadly diseases and viruses after having been used in drug development tests at the laboratory.

Ireland perfects antidote for brutunschweier clogomitis

full story of brutunschweier clogomitis below

NEW INTERNATIONAL HEALTH CRISIS SET TO EXPLODE
infected brutunschweier clogomitis beetles escape from research centre
June 3, 2003
The world is to face a new major health hazard after an unknown number of infected anticoagulant beetles escaped into the wild from a private international drug secret research centre in Essex, England.

The beetles, belonging to the rare South American brutunschweier clogomitis variety, are believed to have escaped on Sunday night after a foraging mole surfaced in the earthen-floored compound in which they were kept behind the laboratories.

Tests carried out on the in-bred beetles by the laboratory over several years resulted in the mutation of the captive species, turning the insects into carriers of the world's most deadly diseases and viruses whilst maintaining full immunity to the diseases they carry. The beetles have also developed double polar reverse amplitude to their DNA reverse polarity. This can be transferred to humans by bites from the beetle.

However, unlike the apparent immunity of the beetle, the effect on humans is to completely negate all natural immunity to all known illnesses, viral diseases and harmful bacteria—the single largest ever threat to human health and life on the planet in known history.

The escaped beetles are thought to have followed the mole tunnel as far as the storm sewers that form part of the Haningfield Reservoir complex, mid-way between Chelmsford and Wickford.

The clogomitis beetle has been used for several years by the research unit as the species has an extremely rare reverse DNA polarity that is very similar to the human reverse DNA polarity. The brutunschweier clogomitis beetle is the only life form so far discovered outside of humans with this peculiarity.

A spokesman for the research centre declined to put forward any indication of just how many of the beetles escaped. The research centre caters to almost all of the largest pharmaceutical companies in the world.

Several thousands of the inch-long beetles are known to have been at the centre. They are fed a cocktail of highly contagious diseases including SARS, HIV, Ebola, smallpox and a number of deadly, manufactured viruses and the effect to their reverse DNA polarity is then monitored.

Reverse DNA polarity is the mechanism that identifies and classifies the differing electromagnetic molecular vibrations of individual cells within the body so that the correct signals can be sent to the correct destinations within the brain and the central nervous system. It also prevents the human body from splitting up into different directions.

But by far the most terrifying danger and threat is the reproductive process of the beetle combined with its anticoagulant abilities.

Brutunschweier clogomitis deliberately lay their eggs in and across the whole of the human food chain. The eggs are almost impossible to detect. Incubation takes just two weeks.

The beetle, just tiny at this stage, then tunnels its way out of the human body, leaving behind a trail of powerful anticoagulant agents that not only prevent the tunnel from closing up but continue to dissolve surrounding tissue, considerably enlarging the tunnel. The beetle always exits close to a major vein or artery so that in a very short time the blood supply is breached by the anticoagulants. It is not unusual for a solid jet of blood up to one inch in diameter to burst from the body without any warning. The breach cannot be contained or controlled as the anticoagulants continue dissolving tissue and widening the opening.

Infected persons are unaware of what is happening until it is too late as the anticoagulant also contains a local anaesthetic agent that numbs the tissue to pain.

It is believed that the anticoagulant agents were developed from the Ebola virus during the beetles' mutation.

Two brutunschweier clogomitis beetles can produce up to 400 million beetles in just two years.

If just 20 of the extremely tough and hardy beetles had escaped, they could produce enough beetles within just one year to far outnumber humans on the planet.
Ireland perfects antidote for brutunschweier clogomitis

Limerick man first victim of brutunschweier clogomitis beetle

€348 million for Limerick water schemes
13 August 2003
Limerick is to receive massive grant-aid to the tune of €348.9 million to help the city and county improve and develop its water supply and sewerage scheme network.

The investment is part of a €5.4 billion Water Services Investment Programme 2003-2005 announced today by the Minister for the Environment which covers 737 water and sewerage schemes across the 26 counties.

Welcoming the package, Minister of State and Limerick East TD Tim O'Malley says the money will prove essential in "overhauling and developing Limerick's water and sewerage systems, bringing it up to the highest international standards.

"This is a huge investment on the part of the Government - with three times more money now being spent on water and sewerage schemes than at any time in the past. This investment will ensure that every single location in the country with a population equivalent to 1,000 will have its own waste water treatment plant. That is a remarkable achievement and demonstrates the FF/PD Government's commitment to supporting and sustaining development throughout the country," says Minister O'Malley.

The total development programme in Limerick is €348.949,032 and is funded by the National Development Plan. Of that, €324.5 million is to cover the cost of the existing programme, while €10.8 million has been earmarked for new schemes approved to enter the planning stage, and an additional €13.58 million is for water conservation projects.

"This is a long-term investment programme which, when completed, will give all Limerick residents a top-class water and sewerage system," says Minister O'Malley. "It will also allow Limerick to continue to grow both its jobs and housing markets, and facilitate the city and county in attracting and sustaining new inward investment."

Croc found sleeping in Limerick sewage development
July 25, 2003
An 18ft crocodile was discovered sleeping in pipes being prepared for Limerick's new sewage system early this morning.

Sean Massey, who stumbled across the sleeping croc as he walked into the pipe to check for sleeping hedgehogs, said he at first thought it was a local tramp.

"It was dark in the pipe and hard to see but it looked like somebody under an old leather coat so I kicked it a few times. It turned out I was kicking the croc’s head," said Mr Massey.

The sleepy-eyed croc lumbered out into the daylight and slipped into the River Shannon, leaving a stunned Mr Massey to explain why he had failed to remove the 23 sleeping hedgehogs which were later found further along the pipe together with the 43 snakes that had taken shelter.

Meteorite falls in Limerick
July 10, 2003
A large meteorite hit Limerick early on Thursday morning, falling in a small public park close to a residential estate on the main Cork road. No damage was caused during the incident, which happened at about 6am, and the meteorite came to rest balanced on the top of a fence where it was photographed by a woman out walking her hair lipped cocker spaniel. By the time she returned home and telephoned newspapers and others, thieves had stolen the rock from space.
Local space nut Professor Nogram Bluttenscote said: "It is a great shame. It is not every day a large meteorite comes to rest on top of a fence without causing any damage. The thieves should be disgusted with themselves and should also be careful that they do not develop dribbling knob rot, a common ailment caused by handling meteorites and which affects men and women alike. To be honest, I was planning to retire next week and move to Sweden but this whole upsetting thing has made me change my mind."

THE NEWSMEDIANEWS INTERVIEW
8 April, 2003
Interview with Iraq information Minister Shazzi Shitestur

NMN: Good afternoon. Do you feel that you are doing a properly responsible job as information Minister for your country at a time when war is being waged against you as a bunch of criminals?

Shazzi Shitestur: To begin I must correct you. It is not afternoon, neither is it morning. There is no day in Iraq. Nor is there any night, sun, moon or stars. I am not the information Minister as you say, and I will slaughter everybody because we are not criminals, we are decent, peaceful law abiding people who care about everybody, even the shitty Kurds.

NMN: Do you mean Shi'ite?

Shazzi Shitestur: Did I say Shi'ite? I did not, did I?

NMN: Is it true that you used the cover of sandstorms at the start of this war to conceal weapons of mass destruction?

Shazzi Shitestur: We do not have sandstorms in Iraq and we never have. We are fully in control of everything. There is no war and there never has been. The Americans and the British and their allies are all insane to try suggesting to anyone that there is a war going on? Do you see any signs of a war?

NMN: Yesterday your information ministry building was hit by four 1,000lb bombs. How do you explain that?

Shazzi Shitestur: We do not have a ministry of information. That was a kebab house that was struck by weapons fired by the infidels. Everybody is an infidel except me and anyone who agrees altogether with me.

NMN: So you admit that the infidels, as you call them, are here?

Shazzi Shitestur: Of course not. They never were. We have slaughtered all of them.

NMN: Several hundred bodies of murdered Kurdish soldiers and civilians were recently discovered in the south of your country. What explanation do you have for this act of barbarity?

Shazzi Shitestur: We were testing a new health improvement drug and all of these people volunteered to try it. They were all made fully aware of the risks and knew that they would be shot in the head if the drug had a negative effect on them.

NMN: We are now able to show you Saddam Hussein's body. What do you say to that?

Shazzi Shitestur: Mr Hussein does not have a body. My glorious president is not dead. If you say you have his body you lie, he has no body. His body is occupied by several dozen look alikes, or doubles as you infidels call them.

NMN: We have reliable information that you are deliberately being stupid in a bid to either take on a role as one of President Bush's spin doctors or so that you can claim insanity should you escape death and be captured?

Shazzi Shitestur: Who is President Bush? There is no such person, I tell you. It is all fiction. If I was insane would I be able to stand here and have this reasonable conversation with you?

Just as we speak a cruise missile flies low overhead and detonates in a massive explosion in a nearby building, showering the Minister with debris.

NMN: Are you not now concerned at the danger your doomed resistance is creating for your citizens?

Shazzi Shitestur: Why should I be? I see nothing wrong. There is nothing happening here. It is all quite quiet and normal all over Iraq.

Two days after this interview the Iraqi information Minister was squashed to death by a tank as he stood confronting it and telling everybody in a loud voice that it was not a tank and that there was nothing there. The remains of his flattened body were torn to shreds and eaten by starving dogs.

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Bermuda Triangle mystery unveiled
puzzle cracked by undercover hack
September 25, 2003
What was one of Earth’s longest running unsolved mysteries has been uncovered by an undercover Newsmedianews reporter who booked himself onto a cruise ship that sailed from the Bahamas.

Nicholas Knockabee managed to crack the decades old mystery after falling asleep blind drunk in his cabin after a long session at one of the liner’s bars.

When he came to and ventured from his cabin he found the liner’s crew and passengers being herded off the liner by stern-faced men who were putting them all on to a scruffy looking barge that had pulled alongside.

“They were all totally somnambulent,” wrote Knockabee.

He pretended to be like the rest of the passengers and then when no-one was looking managed to slip away and hide in the bowels of the liner.

“The smell was pretty bad down there, but by listening to snatches of conversation from people passing by I was able to piece together what had happened and what was taking place.”

Knockabee heard some of the stern faced men laughing and jokingly talking of how the crew and passengers had been brainwashed by subliminal recording played throughout the liner.

The effect was to put everyone into a trance state for several days. When they woke from the trance they would be back home, would have no memory of anything that had happened to them and would not even recall that they had been on the liner.

Knockabee said that his blotto state had counteracted the effects of the hypnotic tape.

“After everyone was herded off the liner, it was collected by a far east based conglomeration who either sold it on to another shipping company or who used the repainted, altered and renamed liner within their own fleet,” wrote Knockabee.

He said that over 2,500 ships had gone ‘missing’ in such a way, amounting to many hundreds of millions of dollars worth of tonnage, together with several dozen large airliners, military and other civilian aircraft.

“In short, it has just been one major ringing business spanning over the decades,” said Knockabee, who is now in hiding after having escaped by hiding in a large vat of kitchen waste.

LUNAR REAL ESTATE ?
November 28, 2002
www.asseenonscreen.com is offering visitors an opportunity to invest in lunar real estate. £20 sterling provides the investor with a certificate of ownership of an acre of land on the moon, plus the deeds, a lunar map and mineral rights!

Overseas Scholarship placements for Irish students
No vacancies currently posted
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UN GIVES SADDAM 40 DAYS TO DESTROY FELAFEL STOCKPILE
March 16, 2003
In its latest resolution 1105,436,191 the United Nations has given Saddam Hussein just 40 days to destroy Iraq’s stockpile of outlawed felafel or face the ‘very serious’ consequences.

Kofi Anan said the felafel represented a ‘hithertofore unknown and unquantifiable threat’ to civilisation.

The felafel is understood to have been dispersed around secret locations in Iraq and all those associated with its production have been ordered into silence.

The felafel was outlawed by the UN when it was discovered to be bigger and heavier than any other felafel on the market and also contained undisclosed secret ingredients referred to as ‘the poisoning’. It is also cooked in crude oil taken direct from Iraq’s oil fields, although the Iraqi authorities have been accused of siphoning oil from the trans-African pipeline for the purpose of cooking the felafel.

A spokesperson for Saddam Hussein’s office said that the felafel had elicited no complaints whatsoever when distributed among Iraq’s Iranian prisoners of war. The spokesman declined to answer whether that was because no prisoners were left to complain after eating it.

He also declined to comment if Iraq had embarked upon its weapons of mass destruction programme to defend its stocks of felafel and issued a curse on the moustache of the questioner, Suzanne Hershey.

Ms Hershey said she is now seeking to take legal action against the Iraq government after claiming that the curse forced her to endure 72 hours of unnecessary electrolysis to remove any trace of hair from her upper lip.

POSEIDON MISSILE IN FLIGHT BAGGAGE
arrested man tells police “its only for the kids”
February 15, 2003
A member of President Bush’s personal security guard who was arrested boarding a jumbo jet with a Poseidon nuclear missile was released without charge after telling police it was only for his grandchildren.

The man, who has been a presidential bodyguard for 53 years and is due to retire this summer on his 96th birthday, was caught boarding the plane at Tampa Airport in Florida. In addition to the Poseidon missile with its 250 megaton nuclear payload, he was carrying several torpedoes and 47,000 tablets of LSD in a package marked ‘personal use only’.

A stewardess who saw him boarding the flight with the missile and torpedoes amongst his hand luggage recognised him and didn’t do anything. It was a petrified Iraqi holidaymaker from Baghdad who raised the alarm when he burst screaming into the flight cabin minutes before takeoff.

The pilot, believing the man to be an insane hijacker, knocked the Iraqi passenger senseless after ripping out the aircraft’s joystick and whacking the intruder over the head with it.

It was only when security and medical staff tripped over the missile and torpedoes while carrying the unconscious man through the aircraft that the alarm was properly raised.

The detained man was released 20 minutes later and allowed to re-board his delayed flight after explaining that the missile and torpedoes were souvenirs for his grandchildren in Botswana. He was not questioned about the LSD and a police spokesman said: "We are satisfied it was for his personal use only."

“It is no good getting unduly upset about some things that in fact are really quite harmless,” said President Bush, when informed of the incident.

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AL Nog WOLLAPONG TAPE
February 12, 2003
Newsmedianews has come into possession of a video tape by the Al Nog Wollapong network of North Korea.

Throughout the 45-minute video tape, Al Nog Wollapong, wearing a bearskin suit and Andy Cap hat, menacingly waved a beer can at the camera and urged everybody in the world to start fighting each other except the North Koreans.

“We don‘t like you anyway because you don’t like us, so if you just all do away with yourselves you won’t need to worry about us any more and we won’t need to worry about you,” said Nog Wollapong in the video.

We do not have permission to show the video as Nog Wollapong has since sold the rights to an American national television news network.

The North Korean Government declined to make any comment over the matter but an insider source told Newsmedianews that the general consensus of opinion was that it was about time someone had said something sensible in all of the mess.

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CROP CIRCLE MYSTERY REVEALED
January 23, 2003

A quietly unassuming family of six have revealed that they have been responsible for the mysterious crop circles phenomenon that have appeared in wheat fields all over the world.

The family pictured below, said the crop circle secret had been passed from generation to generation. The family train chickens from birth to trample the corn into the sometimes very complex patterned crop circles.

"It takes about six months to train each chicken, but letting them mix from birth with chickens that have already been trained makes the job much simpler," said father Wee Wong Hui. He said it takes about 200 chickens roughly one hour to construct the biggest and most complex of the crop circles.

"We have about 20,000 trained chicken squades, as we call them—that's about two million birds. We are able to send squades anywhere in the world at very short notice," said Mrs Suck Wong Hui.

The family refused to go into detail about the methods of instruction, but stressed that the birds enjoyed the training immensely and had a very free life on a huge open range in central Australia when they were not working.

Reg Presley, former founder member of the UK rock band The Troggs and who spent over 10 years studying the crop circle phenomenon from his home in Andover in Hampshire, a county which has seen much crop circle activity, could not be reached for comment.

* EXCLUSIVE *
IRELAND'S NEW TAX ON TAX

LOST BRIEFCASE FOUND TO CONTAIN SECRET TAX PLANS

Ireland is to introduce RAT—a new national tax on tax— Newsmedianews can exclusively reveal. The news leaked after the discovery of a Government department's unlocked lost brief case that was found to contain the secret plans.

The brief case was handed to Newsmedianews, together with a photocopy of the documents by a 17-year-old schoolgirl who said she found it under a bridge and mistook it for one belonging to a friend and had opened it to check.

The new tax, named RAT (Readjusted Added Tax) will be in addition to income tax and VAT and will be applied equally to both. Early indications are that the new tax will be in the region of from 17.5 to 25 per cent.

A copy of a speech to be delivered nationally by the finance minister referred to the new tax as "inevitable" and "in the best interests of the country". It said that RAT would "naturalise and balance the combined effects of the Euro and an enlarging Europe".

The Minister's speech went on to say that RAT would "substantially equate the tax burden" for the Irish people as a whole.

The briefcase and its contents, which contained details of its owner, were handed to the Garda.

Full story

Money—what price happiness...?
£££££. $$€$ ¥ & $$$+£££=€€€-$(£x¥)

Peseta frucken florin borgh detroctor goine blunbt punt. Ochen drachma stugle flunt. Frank stonkt deutchmark egiloguble zacan conogglert.

Mogle krunt slacken: "Spiegel pissarion une quobtong achem zien drütemblosse."

Rare Tasmanian flea discovered in Kerry
November 11, 2002
The rare Tasmanian flea has been reported as being discovered by a Kerry fresh water fisherman. It is the first time that the species of flea has been officially reported in Ireland.

The flea, which can grow up to one and a half centimetres in length, is usually found close to flowing water in its native habitat. A colony of the fleas can drain a human being of blood and bodily fluids in minutes. Unlike other species of flea, the Tasmanian flea is not averse to drinking any or all of the bodily fluids, including the cerebral matter, which it can easily reach by penetrating the skull with its needle sharp proboscis.

The flea was once a symbiotic non-carnivorous companion of the vanished Tasmanian tiger. The tigers could easily carry upwards of 400 fleas on their bodies and it was for this reason that they were hunted to extinction, though the Tasmanian government has declined to verify that as fact.

The fisherman found the flea trapped against his skin inside his rubber leggings. "There was practically no blood left in my leg," he said.

"My leg went sort of dead and started to tingle and at first I though it was just cold, until I realised that the rest of me was sweating in the warm sunshine," he said.

He endured the agony and kept the flea imprisoned until he could drive to the nearest open Rare or Ridiculous Species depot in Galway, where the flea was carefully excavated from the fisherman's upper thigh. It (the flea) is now being examined in an effort to determine how it might have arrived in Ireland, but sources close to Newsmedianews said that some officials believed it may have arrived on the gorilla that terrorised a Limerick night guard.

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Yeti still here after all these years
Contractors in Limerick have unearthed what palaeontologists believe are the remains of a 300-million year-old Yeti.

Scientists excavating the remains, discovered on a building site close to the People's Park in Limerick, said that associated evidence found with the remains indicated that it was part of a visiting culture from another section of the galaxy. Runic scripts found in a sealed jar underneath what would have been the torso of the Yeti at its time of burial also indicate that the Yeti died after suffering a massive heart seizure, which took place during what the runic script described as a 'nightmare' in which the Yeti foresaw a vision of how life on planet Earth would develop in the future.

The Yeti is believed to have been one of the highest dignitaries of the visiting delegation to planet Earth but is not known to have any connection with the Toise.

For more news as it comes in, stay tuned to Newsmedianews.

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Disruptive endangered Maggot colony quits airport runway
A colony of a species of rare protected maggots which disrupted services at Shannon Airport after being found beneath the surface of the main runway has moved away after hearing of the disruption caused by its presence.

A spokeswoman for the airport said that an e-mail had been received by airport management informing them of the departure of the colony. The e-mail went on to say that the maggot colony's internal security section had read of the necessity of closing the runway in a report first published at www.newsmedianews.com on Tuesday, 23 April 2002.

"We have no wish to cause such disturbance and after a special meeting of the Maggot Cabinet it was decided to announce our immediate withdrawal," said the maggots' e-mail.

The colony was discovered during a routine runway inspection on Monday and was estimated to consist of up to 40,000 of the maggots. The runway was closed in line with a section of Ireland's Rare, Ridiculous or Protected Specia Act (RRPS).

Also covered by the Act are several species of head louse, which cannot be taken off the head until they themselves decide to leave; three species of verruca verruca vero¢ke, noun a wart, especially one on the sole of the foot; a wartlike outgrowth: verru'cae (se, ki) or verru'cas plural. verru'ciform (siförm) adjective wartlike. verrucose (ver¢ or ro¢) adjective or verru'cous (or ver¢) warty. verru'ga noun (Spanish; also plural verru'gas) a fever with warty tumours, endemic in Peru. [Latin verruca a wart] Greater Warted Vultures (c) Larousse plc. All rights reserved and several of the rarer types of leprosy.

The continued closure of the runway would have caused severe disruption to the travelling public, who would have required bussing to either Knock or Dublin Airport. Some travelling to Australia will have needed to first travel overland to Cape Town in South Africa—the only place they would have been able to connect with their flight during its only short stopover.

Cost of the continued closure until the maggots had matured and flown away was estimated at some €12 billion. The bulk of the cost would have been recoverable through the subsection Rare, Ridiculous or Protected Specia Emergency Relief Fund of the RRPS.

The spokeswoman for Shannon Airport said it was the first time the runway had been closed due to maggots, but it had been closed once before by a large protected Wartless Toad that sat sunning itself on the runway for three days and refused to move away. It only left when it became hungry, added the spokeswoman.

A maggot maintenance crew from the RRPS conservation department was established at the scene. They would normally keep watch on the colony using high-powered binoculars and would also be responsible for ensuring the colony had an adequate supply of fresh water on dry days. There are currently 28 separate maintenance crews in operation throughout Ireland — consisting of 17 head louse maintenance teams and 11 verucca maintenance teams. Seven of the latter are deployed at camping site showering facilities across Ireland. They must ensure the protected verucca spores are not removed from infected shower trays during their use. It is only the second time in history that a maggot maintenance crew had needed to be set up.

"It's a thankless task, but there is a great sense of responsibility in the work and a good feeling of satisfaction in the knowledge of helping preserve endangered species," said a spokesman for the RRPS maintenance division.

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GORILLA TERRIFIES STORE SECURITY GUARD

A night security guard who does not wish to be identified has spoken of his terror at working within the new Dunne's store in Limerick's Henry Street in Ireland.
The man said he often spent the nights cowering in fear after locking himself into a small windowless janitor's supplies closet.
"There's only one light bulb in the closet and one night it blew just after I locked myself in," said the guard.
He said he sat too fearful to move all night among the brooms and mops until he knew it was getting near to the arrival of the day shift.
"I was petrified. My teeth didn't stop chattering for six hours," said the frightened man.
He said his nightmare began after he spotted what he claims was a gorilla in the staff canteen at about 3.30am.
"I know people won't believe me. I didn't believe it myself and thought it was one of my mates pulling a laugh, so I said 'okay-come on out then'.
"When it picked up a 30 foot heavy oak table and threw it at me like it was an empty cigarette pack I knew it wasn't any of my mates and that I was looking at the real thing, a real live gorilla," the guard told Newsmedianews.
"They don't prepare you for that sort of thing in training. I just ran like the clappers and locked myself in the ladies toilets," he said.
He said he could hear loud crashes and banging and what sounded like heavy belching noises followed by a fast beating thudding like a solid bass drum.
"I looked through the keyhole but the gorilla was out of my line of sight. All I saw was things flying about everywhere, pots and pans, cutlery, chairs and tables and at one time a big heavy industrial fridge freezer was sent bouncing across the canteen."
The guard said he was too ashamed to radio his colleagues for help.
"Can you imagine it? 'Can you get here quick, there's a gorilla in the canteen'…?"
He said it eventually went quite but he waited another two hours before venturing out of the locked toilets. The gorilla was nowhere to be seen.
"It had eaten every single scrap of anything edible in the canteen including the pre-prepared lunches for the 170 staff at the store. Later I found it had also raided all the restaurants and food outlets in the building. It must have eaten its way through about a ton of food," added the guard.
He said he couldn't afford to lose his job or quit as he had 28 golden carp and a deaf donkey to care for as well as high monthly telephone bills. He said that the store management accepted his account that vandals had ransacked each room whilst he had been elsewhere in the building.
He said he was sure he had heard the gorilla marauding about the building on other occasions.
"I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do. That's why I contacted you," he told Newsmedianews.
Last year Newsmedianews reported that a crazed gorilla had leaped out from the site on which the new store was under construction and had terrorised passers-by and people standing at a temporary bus stop. Local police and civil defence workers had scoured the area but discovered no clues as to the whereabouts of the beast.
It has not been confirmed that the gorilla seen by the terrified guard is the same gorilla that terrorised the people in the street, but a senior police officer said it was "quite likely" the same, given the scarcity of gorillas in Ireland.

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25 Gambians arrested by Irish police
Twenty five Gambians found inside a cardboard box aboard a ship arriving at Limerick docks have been arrested by port authority police. They had two tonnes of bananas in the box with them.

The Gambians, 12 women and 13 men aged from 17 to 93, were in good health, despite the cramped quarters of the 4ftx6ft box they had shared for the voyage from Cape Town, where they boarded the ship.

When discovered, it is alleged that the leader of the group asked police to "take us to your chief zoologist".

The group claim to have travelled to Ireland in a search of a gorilla they claim escaped from a Gambian wildlife reserve.

"We wanted to find out why it wanted to escape so we can try and improve conditions in the reserve," police claimed the leader of the Gambian party declared.

The Irish and Gambian authorities are working closely to resolve the matter but it is understood that the 25 stowaways will be charged under an obscure section of legislation relating to the outlawed practice of assisting gorillas to escape from wildlife reserves on the pretext of using the alleged escape to illegally enter a foreign country.

¤

IRELAND’S GROLLYBELIUM STEALTH TANK MYSTERY
by our chief crime and science correspondents
December 7, 2002
Irish defence chiefs have admitted that a specially trained grollybelium tank squad has ‘lost’ one of its invisible one-man grollybelium tanks. However they have refused to verify if the missing tank is a Mark 1 or Mark 2.

The tank was reported ‘missing’ following an exercise in the Burren seven months ago but defence chiefs were too embarrassed to report the loss at the time. The 50-ton grollybelium tank—about half the size of a British Centurion tank—was developed in secrecy to counter the expected Rann invasion in 2017 [see further info].

Made entirely of grollybelium, the invisible tanks can sustain their single member crews for periods of up to five years without any necessity to leave the interior of the vehicles for any reason. Armament consists of hundreds of thousands of pea-sized nuclear warheads each with explosive power equivalent to 1,000 megatons and fired by small hydrocompression tubes mounted all over the tank’s invisible body and known as peashooters. Crews wear specially tailored grollybelium suits so vehicle and driver become completely invisible to ordinary vision and to radar. In an emergency, the crew members can hit a panic button, causing all peashooters to begin rapid fire in all directions. Up to several thousand warheads can be discharged in a very short time, depending on the model number of the grollybelium tank. Mark 1 tanks were equipped with 200 peashooters but the number was doubled on the Mark 2.

The emergency manoeuvre is known as a ‘Pork-U’ due to its porcupine effect and the crew member's chilling battle cry of pork-u has been compared to the sounds made by the nostrils of a charging rhinoceros.

But by far the most terrifying aspect of the stealth tank is its noise. No engine silencing system is used and the fearful din of the invisible tank as it approaches has made whole battalions scatter in panic.

Grollybelium was discovered in a Westmeath souvenir shop but no trace of its designer could be located. Several dozen small lumps of the invisible element, enough to fill a dustbin, were found wrapped in gift paper in a display box beneath a sign stating GIVE SOMETHING DIFFERENT THIS TIME after the contents of the shop were auctioned following the disappearance of the shopkeeper.

The disappearance of the shopkeeper was discovered after people in the street noticed that there had been a complete lack of activity at the shop for several years and the shopkeeper's wife had taken to sitting alone in a corner of The Solid Hole pub where she would mutter into her glass every night.

“I know she lived on the same street as the pub but I'd never seen her before and assumed she was just another nutter. She was harmless enough so I just left her alone, and so did everybody else,“ said pub owner Guy Kremer, who formerly ran a top fashion hair salon in Winchester, where he was voted International Hairdresser of the Year for four years running. “I thought she had the hots for me,” said Mr Kremer.

Several years earlier a lump of the invisible grollybelium had been sent to a consumer protection watchdog association by an irate young boy who was given it as a birthday present. The lump was sent by the association to the advertising standards authority who in turn sent it to Scotland Yard's Serious Fraud squad. After being unwrapped, the invisible grollybelium lay unnoticed on the serious fraud squad's incoming desk for several months before being accidentally dropped into the office shredder, which subsequently exploded, spewing the lump of grollybelium across the office where it was never again discovered. Scotland Yard attempted to sue the manufacturer of the shredder but as no trace of the original machine could be found no case could be made out for shoddy workmanship or design.

Eventually the wrapping paper that had contained the boy's birthday gift of grollybelium was sent back to the advertising standards authority with a note from Scotland Yard’s serious fraud squad asking why the advertising standards authority had sent the serious fraud squad an empty piece of wrapping paper. The advertising standards authority wrote back that they had themselves been sent the piece of wrapping paper by a consumer protection watchdog association.

After contacting the watchdog association the serious fraud squad learned that the wrapping paper had been sent to it by a boy and the boy was subsequently arrested by the serious fraud squad but later let off with a serious caution after the serious fraud squad claimed they were unable to understand anything he said to them.

Newsmedianews has learned that the same boy later bought the souvenir shop in Westmeath as a man before disappearing without trace.

The grollybelium was only discovered after the auctioneers of the souvenir shop dumped the lot in a dustbin outside of the shop where it lay undiscovered for several years. Dustmen refused to empty the bin, saying it was already empty and the grollybelium lay undisturbed until the shop was demolished to make way for a tunnel to New Zealand which was never completed due to a mysterious explosion in Westmeath. The dustbin was sent to a metal recycling plant that went out of business after all of the company's machinery disappeared and the dustbin, which was just assumed to be a dustbin was left in the street as an empty dustbin.

The grollybelium was reported to ministry of defence scientists after a tramp tried to climb inside the empty dustbin on a cold winter night only to find he couldn't get in, despite the bin being apparently empty. After spending all night trying to get into the dustbin without success the tramp loaded it onto an abandoned shopping trolley and left it outside a police station in disgust.

An alert patrolman spotted the dustbin and due to underfunding a cheap supermarket bomb disposal squad kit was used after the station sergeant declared the dustbin ‘suspicious’. The uncontrolled explosion demolished a third of Westmeath and the grollybelium was finally discovered after a psychiatrist was called in to investigate why scientists who were examining the area to determine what had gone wrong with the explosion kept on tripping over apparently invisible obstacles.

Government officials declined to comment on the speculation that the crew member of the grollybelium tank, worth over €720million, had simply gone off on a joyride and had never returned. They also refused to comment on whether just one tank or the whole fleet of 2,000 had gone ‘missing’.

Once inside a grollybelium tank, all crew members are completely out of contact with anyone and are effectively on their own for five years, kept inside their machines by a time lock on the entry and exit aperture. No-one, not even military chiefs, knows the whereabouts of any of the grollybelium tanks once a crew member begins his or her five-year shift.

* Reports that the missing tank, or one of them, has been sighted on the beach at Youghal in County Cork were dismissed by the office of defence as hoaxes. However, Gardai were said to be investigating reports of the sound of “a bloody great engine”, made by a local who fell asleep on the beach on his way home from the pub at night.

spot the grollybelium tank contest
see if you can locate the grollybelium tank in the photo - click the link

Grollybelium commanders : Have you been a Grollybelium tank commander? If so, this site would be keen to run your story and memoirs of your experiences.
Please use the contact form.

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News Briefs

An earthquake measuring 11.9 on the Richter Scale has split Ireland completely across the middle. A government spokesman said the news was very good as so far 375 construction firms had tendered bridge bids.

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